The Days Are Getting Brighter

It has been very rainy this winter. It has also been snowy and freezing at times. There have been a lot of dark days. And night comes so early. I think it is the great reduction in daylight that brings on my depression more than anything else about the winter.

I have always enjoyed the outdoors, but the older I get, the less time I want to spend outside when it's cold. I have bought some warm coats to compensate, but I often stay inside a lot in the winter.

Spending time outside in the winter becomes like a fight for me and I usually give in to staying inside too much sometime in January or February. Luckily, the days get longer as the winter progresses and I usually start feeling better by the end of March.

I had an appointment with my psychiatric nurse practitioner earlier this month and she determined by the questions I answered that I was experiencing depression. She said she thought I should try adding Wellbutrin to my daily medication regimen of Seroquel, Lamictal, and Deplin. I had told her that I was putting all of my energy into work and felt little motivation for socializing, cleaning, or working out. I have also been dealing with some knee pain that has been unpleasant and annoying, but thankfully, seems to be lessening.

I have been taking the Wellbutrin every morning with Deplin for about two weeks now. I take Lamictal and Seroquel at night. I do feel better. I am sleeping less, and I have more energy to get things done. I have spent more time taking care of myself after work and I have been socializing a bit more. I feel more activated but I also feel a little bit more impatient although it hasn't caused me any problems, it is just something I have noticed about feeling differently and will self-monitor.

The Wellbutrin seems to be helping but if I feel hypomania coming on, which I am good at recognizing after being treated for bipolar disorder for the past 29 years, I will stop the Wellbutrin and call my psychiatric nurse practitioner as she advised me to do. If all goes well, I will stay on my current medication and have another appointment next month. She had talked about me switching to Vraylar from Seroquel. She said that it might have fewer side effects and she said that some of her patients have done well with Vraylar.

I have been feeling better with my current medication. However, switching medications to reduce side effects seems like a good idea. I have done that several times over the years and I have been happier living with fewer side effects than I have in the past. My current worst side effect is weight gain. Changes with my medication that could help me to lose weight and maintain a healthy weight would be welcome changes.

It is Saturday and I have social plans today and tomorrow. That is an indication that I am already feeling better because I have mostly felt like resting and getting ready for the work week for the past few weekends and not doing much else besides sleeping, eating, reading, laundry, and grocery shopping. That is kind of natural for me in the winter, but I'm hoping that having added the Wellbutrin will make it easier to be more active for the rest of the winter. I am not sure if I will be taking Wellbutrin year-round or just taking it as needed in the winter. I will find out more at my next appointment.

The Last Days of Summer

I'm enjoying the last days of summer. I feel like I've taken full advantage of the season. I've spent a lot of time outside, I took a 12-day staycation, and I've spent ample time hanging out at my condo pool where I exercised, sunbathed, and enjoyed talking with neighbors and making new friends. I also worked on decluttering my condo and having needed repairs done.

One reason I think I enjoyed this summer so much is that I focused on self-care, including working to improve my physical health, and it has paid off. I started taking Deplin for my MTHFR homozygous C667T genetic mutation and I also started taking iron supplements for an iron deficiency that I have probably struggled with for years. I switched doctors in the spring and my new doctor tested my iron levels, when I reported having heavy periods, which my old doctor had never done. Taking care of these health problems seems to have increased my energy level, and I also look and feel healthier. I have better color and my hair is growing in thicker (iron deficiency can lead to both paleness and hair loss).

I've also continued my weekly therapy sessions which I started in February of 2016. Although I've been in some form of therapy for years, this is the only time I have ever been able to afford weekly sessions. In earlier years, I tried to make it once a month, but that wasn't always possible. Having weekly therapy has helped me so much because I can work on problems I face every week. Before, therapy was overwhelming because I felt I had so much to rehash in my infrequent appointments. I have experienced a tremendous amount of personal growth over the past two years that I attribute to these weekly therapy sessions. I'm so grateful for them!

I also read two daily meditations every morning which help to give me a lot of clarity. It is a great way to start my days. I read The Language of Letting Go and A Restful Mind: Daily Meditations for Enhancing Mental Health. Both of these daily meditations have been incredibly helpful to me!

I love my job, but sometimes it is stressful. At those times, I use wellness tools from my WRAP. My favorite wellness tools to use at work are: taking a short walk, using some scented hand lotion, or doing a few rounds of square breathing. I also make sure to drink plenty of water during the day.

So, I'm feeling really good about the end of summer. I always notice seasonal changes since I feel so different at different times of the year. I'll miss the relaxing afternoons at the pool, and leisurely chats with my neighbors, but I'm ready to make the transition to indoor exercise and swimming at the Y. And, one of my new friends that I met this year at the condo pool is also a member of the Y, and we have already taken a trip there together. We are both going to miss the outdoor pool, but we both know we need to keep exercising!

Soccer, Swimming, Saphris, and Summer!

Things are looking up for me since my hospitalization last month. I've been back to work for almost a month, and I'm enjoying my days both at work and outside of work. I started playing soccer again, after a ten year hiatus, and I'm delighting in it. I look forward to the once-a-week game all week, and it inspires me to exercise every day.

Taking less lithium, as my psychiatrist has directed me to do, makes it much easier to play soccer, and also to stay hydrated. I started taking Seroquel in the hospital to stop my mania. I've taken it before, and it caused a lot of weight gain. However, this time, I snacked on low calorie foods whenever I had the munchies and ended up losing 7 pounds also probably, in part, to playing soccer again.

Last week, when I went to see my psychiatrist, she suggested that I replace Seroquel with Saphris. The last time I tried Saphris, I was depressed, and I felt that it made my depression worse. However, I wasn't taking Lamictal, at the time, which I am now. So, I started Saphris about a week ago, and I feel great. Last night, I played better soccer than I've played so far this season, and I felt more coordinated. Also, I'm more alert and have not needed as much sleep as I did when I took Seroquel. I'm back to sleeping 7 or 8 hours instead of my usual 10 hours when I was taking Seroquel. I've heard that Saphris is a "wonder drug" for some people, and I'm hoping that will be the case for me.

Every year, I look forward to the beginning of swimming season, and this year was no different. I had a great time swimming at my condo pool for the first time this year. My conditioning for soccer consists of walking in hilly places, swimming, and taking a spinning class. I'm still going to the YMCA for swimming workouts, but my condo pool is so nice for a peaceful dip after a long, hot day, and sometimes, if I'm inspired, I swim some extra laps. This happens more often as the water warms up. I absolutely love to swim in a warm pool with the sun shining down on me!

It's definitely summer in Kentucky. The temperatures have already reached the mid nineties. I don't have any big plans for the season. It's hard to save money for a vacation, as I'm collecting Social Security Disability, and only allowed to work part-time. So, I'm working on being patient and appreciating the simple things in life, such as spending time with friends and family, and enjoying the sunny weather and lazier days.

Luckily, in my town, there are lots of  inexpensive things to do--art festivals, neighborhood fairs, free and cheap musical performances, etc. I have a lot to be thankful and grateful for, and I'm happy that I'm getting back on track. Someday, I hope that I'll be stable enough to start working full-time again. But, for now, I'm going to take advantage of the extra time that I have each day, and work on strengthening myself, both mentally and physically.

Another Winter

"Spring, summer, and fall fill us with hope; winter alone reminds us of the human condition."
- Mignon McLaughlin

Winter is not my favorite season, and while I've always tried to embrace it, it has consistently given me mixed feelings. When I was a little girl living in Connecticut, I would stay out for the good part of many days making snow angels, sledding, throwing snowballs, and ice skating. I had fun, but I always cursed the resulting iciness and numbness in my toes at the end of each day.

Then there was the time I crashed through some snow-covered ice and landed in a swamp. I was able to climb out, but my snow pants and coat were soaked with muddy water, which really weighed me down. Luckily I was close enough to safely drag myself home on that freezing day.

Sometimes walking through a snowy landscape inspires an appreciation for the silence and the stillness of winter, and sometimes it makes me worry that if I fell and injured myself, I would slowly freeze to death as no one would hear my cries for help.
 
As a child, the beginning of the winter thaw would give me hope as I saw ice melting and water starting to run off the frozen school playground, but I knew I would have to be patient because the gradual warming to more hospitable temperatures would take at least a month, and probably longer, and I would still be stuck outside for every recess until that happened.

Most of my serious depressions have occurred during the fall and winter. This year I seem to be fending off that unpleasant, and often debilitating, condition. I've been keeping up with all of my routines and moving forward, but I still have some of that strange quietness and stillness inside that winter always brings me. Some people love it, but it just makes me feel off balance. I've been reading more, trying to enjoy spending more time indoors, and appreciating the relative warmth of some days, but I really can't wait to jump into a pool on a hot July day.

In the Holiday Spirit

This time last year, I was struggling with a deep depression that started in November and lasted until March. I felt awful, which is really hard at one of the most festive times of the year. I went to the bare minimum of social functions that I felt I could get away with. I only made it to my work party, my boyfriend's work party, and small gatherings with family and my closest friends.

When people are depressed, they are encouraged not to isolate themselves, but it is really hard not to. Most people are confused by drastic mood changes. They don't understand why someone who is normally animated and talkative would sit silently in a corner watching everyone else have fun. When I am depressed, I only feel comfortable with those who know me well and understand that, at-times, I can't fully participate in social events, even if I want to. Big parties, which are usually fun, and great opportunities to meet interesting people, become strangely intimidating if I am depressed. At those times, it is extremely awkward to try to have a conversation with someone new, because I can barely focus on what they are saying and I can't think of anything to say myself. So, I avoid those types of encounters by turning down invitations to events that would be difficult to handle.

Fortunately, this year, I'm feeling happy and healthy, and I've been stepping up my social life ever since Thanksgiving. I'm looking forward to the abundance of merriment to be had throughout the holiday season. Last night, I met seven friends at an Indian restaurant and had a pleasant dinner in a charming part of town where a holiday festival was being held. After dinner, we walked through a shopping center which was hosting a  beer tasting as a fundraiser for a private school for children with autism. We didn't participate, but it was good to see such a big crowd having fun and supporting a worthy cause. Next, we walked to one of my friend's houses for an impromptu get-together. There was a lot of talking and laughing, and a lot of silliness and fun. I'm so thankful that I'm able to enjoy the simple pleasures in life this year, and I hope to keep it up. I feel like I've finally figured out how to maintain my mental and physical health, and I hope to savor the good times for many years to come.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving has always been one of my favorite holidays. Growing up, I moved a lot, and no matter where I went to school in this country, Thanksgiving was always given a good deal of attention. After all, it is a lot of fun! I loved the turkeys made from construction paper, the lists we made of things we were grateful for, and learning about the Pilgrims and the Native Americans, and the first Thanksgiving feast.

When I was younger, it was natural for me to be thankful. I was filled with a sense of curiosity and wonder about almost everything I encountered. I smiled a lot, and would often break into song and dance out of sheer joy. I was happy to be alive, and I was happy to be me. When I am down, I like to remember how I felt before my moods started to betray me.

I have enjoyed most of my Thanksgivings, but a few have been overshadowed by depression. On those years, it was difficult to take part in what was expected to be a festive occasion, and not be able to share in the Thanksgiving spirit. If I am depressed during the holidays, I just try to go through the motions as quietly as possible. I have never figured out what else to do.

This year I am grateful to be in good spirits thanks to medication and therapy, a healthy lifestyle, and a good dose of  luck, I'm sure. Whatever the reasons, I'm feeling blessed and looking forward to spending time enjoying Thanksgiving with my family. The older I get, the more I appreciate my loved ones. I am fascinated by how our relationships have evolved over time. I can't believe that I am only halfway through my life. I have struggled a great deal at times, but I have learned so much, and I appreciate life more with each passing year. Wishing everyone a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Holidays and Parties

The Fourth of July is approaching, and my social calendar is filling up. I love to celebrate holidays, and life in general, but celebrations are also times that I have to monitor myself carefully. Too little sleep can lead to mania, as can drinking alcohol and too many caffeinated drinks. Even too much excitement can lead to trouble.

If I am depressed, I have to decide if I even want to go to a party, and that can be especially hard if the invitation comes weeks in advance and requires a prompt response. People who are depressed are advised not to isolate themselves. I believe that is good advice, but if I am depressed I do better socializing one-on-one or in small groups. If I do go to a party when I am depressed, I make sure it is given by a good friend, and that I will know most of the people there. I struggle with speaking when I am depressed, so being surrounded by strangers can be intimidating. My good friends are happy just to have me around and will let me be.

Thankfully, I am feeling balanced today, and foresee having a great weekend, free of both mania and depression, but I will be watching myself. I will be avoiding alcohol and making sure I drink only a modest amount of caffeine (I can handle the equivalent of two cups of coffee a day). I will also make sure not to become overly excited about anything, because excitement alone can trigger mania at times. In addition, I will be in bed by 2 a.m. at the latest. Amazingly, I have gotten used to taking all of these precautions and I have learned that I can still have a good time.